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Season
One
Barenaked Ladies
 The tongue-twisting song
“One Week” by one-hit wonders Barenaked Ladies seemed the
perfect theme song for the Enterprise episode “Two Days, Two Nights” where our
hapless crew has a disastrous vacation on the planet Risa. With
apologies to Ed Robertson:
Its been one year on the Enterprise
Turned on the TV and we started watching
Long time since the episode in which
we thought Trip Tucker’s briefs would explode
And now... first season is almost done
And the fans who are left are ready to run
Yesterday I missed the latest one
But now I really regret I caught the rerun
T’Pol has a little present
It’s for the captain
A little red book wrote by Surak
Blonde Keyla has a grey dog
A naked small dog
Although it looks more like a sewer rat
Poor Porthos feels like snoring
Archer’s so boring
Now Porthos snarling at the dog/rat
Then Keyla comes to visit
Could we envision
That Archer’s gonna get summa dat?
While Trip and Malcolm dress like horny geeks...
we think it’s poontang that they seek
They’re wild and crazy like Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd
Too bad they haven’t got a clue...
Dee’Ahn and Latia are really dudes...
Just like that wicked song performed by Steven Tyler...
I think it’s sexy little Hoshi let her hair down
Then she has kee’hwi with some ridge-head clown
Then Kayla comes upstairs to see if Jon’s a hot shot
And we wonder if he’ll get to see all of her spots
Malcolm and Trip are tricked and then they wind up mugged
It’s quite apparent that the writers are on drugs
It’s been 2 days... Phlox should hibernate
Poor Crewman Cutler will just have to masturbate
Or maybe she can lurk close by
To see if he gets nocturnal bones (lucky guy)
It’s been 2 hours since Travis fell down
He ain’t got no rhythm... what a wimpy clown
Trip and Malcolm reek -- in their blue underwear
What a lousy vacation. Wish you weren’t there.
Phlox needs to wake but
He’s having trouble
Travis could crack
Like the lens on Hubble
Billingsley shows he is a comic
The viewers vomit
At this ridiculous scenario
Hoshi wakes up and she’s glowing
No skin is showing
We’ll have to use imagination
Couldn’t T’Pol take a shower
This show’s an hour
It is the same old situation
We end the episode and wish we had turned to another show
On Fox or CBS or even Public TV
On Risa Riker was the man and even Picard got a tan
But Enterprise is like an athlete without Wheaties
Maybe next season Hoshi has a Risan baby?
And like Deanna Troi’s it flies the coop? Well, maybe...
And Kayla catches Jon to give another chance
To take a Quantum Leap into her spotted pants
Travis and Malcolm might transform to street-wise thugs
If you believe that then you’re using too much drugs
It’s been...
Beverly Hillbillies
Grab your banjo and join Jethro and Elly Mae in singing...
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jon
He flew into space for to save a shot Klingon
And then when things got a little out of hand
They all realized it was just the Suliban
Blew them up
Shape shifters
Temporal war
Well the next thing you know the crew comes running back
So Phlox made some gel that Trip rubs down T'Pol's crack
And in his shorts, well there popped a rigid bone
But when night fell he just went to bed alone
Family TV
8 p.m.
Not HBO
It's Star Trek Enterprise!
Brady Bunch
Oh, Mike...
Here’s the story
Of a man named Archer
Who fulfilled his dream to have his own command
He had a fine crew
And a wounded Klingon
And fought the Suliban
Here’s a Vulcan
By the name of T’Pol
With a personality as thick as lard
She has big boobs
And a nice round heiney
And she made Trip’s dick hard
So we run through lots of caves and meet new species
With this temporal war... the canon can’t be saved
With the franchise taking on this new direction
Poor Gene Roddenberry’s spinning in his grave
The Enterprise
The Enterprise
It’s the birth of the Starship Enterprise!
Car 54
Written for the “Vox Sola” episode... wiith apologies to Nat Hiken and John
Strauss
There’s a snot wad on the ship,
Captured several of the crew.
Captain's caught up in the slime wad,
Looks like Trip is in there too.
There’s a cat fight ‘bout to start,
Malcolm pusses out to Phlox.....
What are the writers smoking???!!!
Chris Isaac
For fans of the crooner’s hit series on the ShowTime cable network...
Trip’s the original space maverick jerk
Love to get with
the Vulcan broad
Even though she thinks he is odd
Then gets pregnant
by lizard girl
Always in a bind...
Foot in his behind...
Makes those bad decisions...
Just like Archer.
Trip’s the original space maverick jerk
Yeah, Trip’s the original space maverick jerk
Courtship of Eddie's Father
You remember Bill Bixby, James Komack, Brandon Cruz and Miyoshi Umeki in
“The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” don’t you? You can hear Harry Nilsson’s
original song by
clicking here.
I can't seem to get this Captain Archer,
He's a milque toasty captain who loves to catch a beat down.
I don't understand the Vulcan T'Pol
She's got cold blood, acts like she's drugged, in her rectum lives a bug
I can't seem to get the point of this show Enterprise
We are preceding Kirk and Spock but see incessant holograms
We watch this series
We're feeling weary
Ow... bee doobie oobie wow. Bee doobie oobie wow. Eee oobie
goobie gao.
Rubbedy dubbie... Phlox gel on your rump...
Rubbedy dubbie... Trip has grown a hump...
Rubbedy dubbie... written by some chump...
WHOOPS !!!
Dobie Gillis
The Enterprise version of “The Many
Loves of Dobie Gillis” -- with apologies to Max Shulman and Lionel Newman
- Archer, our pathetic captain
Archer, aliens kick his ass in
Archer, Kirk would be ashamed to own
He can't fight, he can't kiss, Kirk could do all of this
Maybe Starfleet learns from Archer's mistakes
For six years... he's got much more to make
F Troop
I think Larry Storch might have made a great Q-like alien...
The people of earth were ready since
Zef Cochrane’s initial flight
The Vulcans had held us back for years
Until they concurred that the time was right
Before they allowed our crew to fly
A Vulcan must join the crew
Like Seven-of-Nine and Dax before
She would have quite a bod that would make you drool
She had a hot scene
A teenager’s dream
Where Trip got to rub her bubble
If Kirk had that job
There would be trouble
And so Enterprise was launched and we
Are waiting with baited breath
To see if we get some quality
Or more caves where the fans will be bored to death
Facts of Life
Remember the sitcom about three pretty girls and one fat girl... that evolved
into a show about four fat girls?
Click here for the original theme (well, one of them).
Some shows are good but most are bad
You get the feeling you've been had
by Enterprise
by Enterprise
Seems the writers are smoking crack
And every week we come right back
to Enterprise
to Enterprise
When the scripts never seem
to be living up to your dreams
and suddenly you're finding out
an hour of time just went down the drain
We need producers that will care
Ron Moore and Steve Ira Behr...
running the Enterprise,
running the Enterprise...
Flintstones
Yabba Dabba Don’t
Archer
Captain Archer
He’s the guy we watched on Quantum Leap
Thanks to
Lousy writing
His show Enterprise puts us to sleep
Let’s run
through some planet’s empty caves
And fight
poorly animated knaves
When you’re
with Jon Archer
You will chug along at Warp Four
Excuse while I snore
It’s just a boring ride
Wil-l-l-maaa !!!
Friends
Can you imagine David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston as Trip
and T’Pol? Neither can I. Here is the Enterprise Theme from the
sitcom “Friends.” And, if you really want to torture yourself, you can
listen to the original theme song by
clicking here. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. With apologies
to the Rembrandts:
So no one told you Enterprise would be so bad [four slaps*]
This show’s a joke. They broke the canon. We’ve been had.
It’s like the scripts are stuck in second gear
The Ferengi visited, who’s next? The Borg? Is Guinan near?
Writers, get a clue...
(When the ratings start to slip)
Writers, get a clue...
(And don’t be giving us no lip)
Writers, get a clue...
(We’ll go away unless you do)
The show is over, now we log on and complain
We hope it’s better next week, our time went down the drain
On previous series, some weak episodes
But this time, consistently, they’ve blown it by the load
Writers, get a clue...
(Enterprise is boring us)
Writers, get a clue...
(Don’t just keep ignoring us)
Writers, get a clue...
(It will get better if you do)
No more this temporal cold war, no more early Ferengi
Just recognize the true intent of Mister Roddenberry
Give us exciting stories, scripts by D.C. Fontana
Give Archer two cojones
Un-stuff T’Pol’s bra, teach her to act
Yeah!
Advance the scripts beyond the second gear
The alternative, my friends, will be, to come up and just kick your rear, so
Writers, get a clue...
(Don’t let your true fans down this time)
Writers, get a clue...
(And no more sentient balls of slime)
Writers, get a clue...
(And we’ll forgive your heinous crimes)
Gilligan's Island
Come sit right down and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That spawned the first male pregnancy
In the guts of crewman Trip
He dipped in a box of crystals and
He felt an exciting shock
I guess he thought, by playing this
He’d dip in another box
The lizard-skinned fox
The aliens repaired their ship
And warped to hyperspace
Like guys who live in trailers
They didn’t leave a trace
Not a single trace
The writers sure conformed this script
To bring a happy end
Trip had a quick abortion
Trade “Aliens” for “Natives” and... Well, you get the idea.
Come sit right down and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That spawned the first male pregnancy
In the guts of crewman Trip
He dipped in a box of crystals and
He felt an exciting shock
I guess he thought, by playing this
He’d dip in another box
The lizard-skinned fox
The aliens repaired their ship
And warped to hyperspace
Like guys who live in trailers
They didn’t leave a trace
Not a single trace
The writers sure conformed this script
To bring a happy end
Trip had a quick abortion
He sure ain’t Falwell’s friend
Mister Ed
<HORSE WHINNYING>
<SPINNING HORSE-SHOES FLOAT THROUGH THE GALAXY>
We read in the news
The other day
The show’s producer had something to say
The fans can go
Or the fans can stay
For the Starship Enterprise
The canon is trashed
The plots, they suck
If you expect more then you’re out of luck
The franchise is
Royally ****ed
By the Starship Enterprise
We complain till our face turns blue
But no one seems to care
The only one who can save this show
Mister Steven Ira Behr
We tune in each week
And rubberneck
The equivalent of a traffic wreck
But we can’t drive by
We’ve go to check
The next episode...
Starship Enterprise...
Monkees
Who wants Mike Nesmith to write a new theme song for Enterprise? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?
Here we come...
Flying at Warp Four...
We’ve got the sexiest Vulcan...
Who could ask for more?
Hey, Hey it’s Enterprise
Roddenberry spins in his grave
For most of the first season
We just run around in caves
But we do meet new species
Well, at least we think they are new
Maybe we just sorta forgot them?
Or maybe we don’t have a clue?
So break out that cool Phlox gel
And rub a bit on T’Pol’s behind
Then jump in a cold shower
Cause she don’t sleep with your kind
Hey, Hey it’s Enterprise
Where we sit and watch and complain
It may take a couple seasons
For the show to tickle our brains
Ozzy Osborne
The Ferengi episode (which broke more rules than we care to mention)
inspired this song parody, a take on Ozzy Osborne’s classic song, “No More
Tears.”
We fracture the canon when Ferengi appear
But this shouldn’t happen for some 200 years
The Enterprise writers seem to be on a roll
Our faith in the franchise just gets flushed down the bowl
Scott Bakula
betrays his fans
to play a wimpy captain
Are Queen Jolene’s
synthetic twins
the glue that keeps
us sitting here
For six more years?
Six more years?
Six more years?
Six more years?
Another show passes and our patience runs thin
Suspension of logic is a capital sin
The same old
forehead ridges...
can’t they think
of something different?
Recycled story lines
I think this show
is soon to
disappear
Six more years?
Six more years?
Six more years?
Six more years?
We’re drawn to the TV like a moth to a flame
And so disappointed that the episode’s lame
Then surf to the newsgroup to complain and to gripe
Well, maybe I’ll change and watch “Dark Angel” tonight
We
hope that
Steven Ira Behr
will come
and save this program
Or else we’ll see
the Jem H’Adar
and Borg
and Whoopi’s Guinan here
The next six years...
Next six years...
Next six years...
Next six years...
Scooby Doo
The success of the Scooby Movie inspired this theme song parody.
Starship Enterprise
Watch it fly
Through galaxies at Warp Four
Jon Archer showers well
T’Pol takes gel
We really wish they’d show more
The stories kinda suck
It’s just our luck
We’re on the family hour
Wish Ira Steven Behr
Could lead us there
And save us from disaster
Welcome Back Kotter
If you can remember a Groucho-like high school teacher and John Travolta as a
skinny teenager then you remember the theme song to Welcome Back Kotter.
Enterprise
Took off to prevent a Klingon war
Enterprise
But the crew found more than they bargained for
With the strange Suliban and the temporal war
We the fans thought we’d get what we waited for
We were disappointed
With scripts so disjointed
Yeah, but T’Pol is cute
In her “painted-on” suit
Enterprise
Enterprise, Enterprise, Enterprise,
Enterprise, Enterprise, Enterprise...
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